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Asian Dudes -- What a pain  

2013-09-11 17:53:13|  分类: 默认分类 |  标签: |举报 |字号 订阅

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The Disappearing Act


So at work I’m so horrifically and terribly bored that I check out this blog daily.


I have all sorts of qualms with this blog, which is probably the reason I don’t even remember the blogs name.  I just like to think of it as Asian Male White Female blog (did you know there’s an abbreviation for that? AMWF hellz yeahhhh!11!).


I was on there last week flipping through the stories of white girls that had woefully sad tales about their trysts with Chinese men, and it seemed to me there was a pattern occurring.  Yes, all of these sad stories of broken hearts and lost love seemed to end with all Chinese men doing the exact same thing at the end:




Now.  When I read these posts I thought: “Man, that sucks, just havin the dude disappear like that—what a douche.”  Little did I know that it would happen to me.  Oh, little did I know.




I’ve been on dates with a slew of Japanese guys as well as had serious relationships with a Vietnamese, Korean and Chinese man.  Yet I had yet to experience this famous ‘disappearing act’ that they were so famous for.


A few weeks ago I met a young lad from Niigata (we’ll call him TK) in Shanghai.  I was enthralled because I never meet anyone from Niigata, not even in Japan, so I got his contact number and we kept in touch.  I wanted to get to know him better, so I invited him out to group events my friends we’re having.  He would text me on a daily basis and I thought he was warming up to me.  Really.


Until one drunken evening I accidentally invited him on a trip with me.  It was a bit forward, but I was intoxicated and wasn’t thinking.  Although I was expecting him to laugh and say, “That place is too far” or “out of my budget,” or even “maybe, I’ll think about it (aka no)” I was surprised with the completely opposite response—


“What day?  What airline?” He takes out his iphone and flips to the calendar, “Did you book the hotels yet?”


The next day I regretted the decision.  I barely know the guy--going on a trip with a man I barely know to a beach getaway sounds like a horrifically bad idea.  But I was drunk, and we all make bad decisions drunk.


Three days later I was surprised to receive a text that said: “I looked up the ticket, but it’s a bit expensive…”

Since this is a Japanese man we’re talking about, there’s 3 ways to read this text:


1.       The ticket is expensive, is there anything cheaper?  I want to go, but it doesn’t seem possible.

2.       I honest to god don’t want to go, and why did you invite me out? You drunk ho.

3.       Never talk to me again.  Crazy American.


Me being the positive young lass I am, I thought that it had to be option one.  I looked up my flight ticket online, saw that the price for my itinerary was somewhat reasonable, then sent him the price.  If it’s too expensive, then don’t sweat it, I say.  Whatever floats your boat.


Finished it with, “hope to see you at the event this Saturday!”


….But I didn’t see him at the event on Saturday.


And he never answered my text.


And all contact was gone.


He disappeared.


WTF Asian guys


This situation happens so much, it’s disgusting.  This non-confrontational, pussy method of just escaping from a girl you don’t like and avoiding a problem.


One of the most common methods of breaking up in China and Japan is to just stop contact.  I mean, how easy is that?  You don’t need to listen to your girlfriend’s tears as you tell her you don’t love her anymore—hell, just skip all that drama and never talk to her again!  Erase her number, her e-mail, every method she could use to possibly contact you and just fall off the face of the planet.  Phew, glad I don’t have to listen to her bitch and moan through all that sobbing!


While it may seem convenient, this is (as you know) highly immoral and rude.  While I have heard that this happens in America, I think the frequency at which it occurs is incomparable to this side of the Earth.  In Asia, I think the most popular way to break up with someone is to disappear.   


On the AMWF site, every story ends with “we loved each other, we dated for a year, but one day he just stopped contacting me and I couldn’t find him.  He was literally just… gone.”


Gone.  Running away like a pussy.  Not man enough to face a woman and her tears.  They may think they’re avoiding a problem and saving heartache, but really, they just cause more.


In my case with TK, I was severely hurt.  I didn’t even want to bang the dude, just wanted to get to know him.  I was dumped as a friend, my acts of kindness pissed all over, and my self esteem shattered. 


Asian guys, seriously, if you want to prevent giving everlasting mental trauma to a woman—as well as grow some balls that you lack—don’t run away from your girlfriend/suitor. 


I’m not even asking you to be honest.  Lie to me.  Make up shit.  Tell me you have a girlfriend, an ulcer, your cat is in the blender, your grandma got injured parasailing in the Atlantic—whatever-- It’s truly better than nothing. 


All TK had to say was “can’t go” and “sorry,” but instead I was emotionally bitch slapped by a non-existent palm.  Ouch.  That hurt.


Which brings me back to AMWF blog I don’t like.


Liking Asian Men is a Curse


Honestly, I think the AWMF pair doesn’t work because Asian guys are so unwilling to change, and they’re weird.  I mean, they breakup with people by just disappearing.  WTF does that?  And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  There’s so many cultural clashes that occur, ranging from family matters, financial management and acceptable morals that it’s no wonder the divorce rate between international couples is over 50%.


So you may say: “Then why do you like Asian men, Mary?”


Why is the sky blue?  Why do we get acne, and what good does it actually do?  And why in god’s names do fleas exist—what do they actually do for this planet other than infest my home and drive me crazy?  Seriously, some things just don’t have answers—and one of those questions that will never be answered is, ‘why Mary likes Asian guys.’


Now let me get this straight, I’m attracted to Asian guys but that doesn’t mean I turn down everyone else.  To me, personality and character matter more than anything else, so if my soulmate happens to be from Bolivia, so be it, that’s fine with me; however, we cannot deny the influence that physical attraction has on us.  Maybe it’s because I’m half Asian, who knows, but I always find myself being magnetically pulled to Asian men, and somehow discover them to be charming and appealing. It also doesn’t help that I speak Chinese and Japanese—whether I want to or not, I have to interact with them (especially at work).


But it’s a curse.  Sometimes I wish I could date somebody that could understand my humor.  I want to crack some ‘yo mommas so fat jokes’ and have my significant other laugh at how absolutely stupid it is.  Or, I wish we could watch Friday or PootyTang and laugh at all of the ridiculous, black humor.  If I marry an Asian (like not an immigrant ABC one), then whenever we watch Colbert Report, I’ll be the only one laughing.  Forever.


The moral obligations and priorities of an Asian man are WAY different than that of a westerner, and learning to adapt to that shit will drive you crazy.  Like, literally, you’ll hear voices in your head that say ‘why did I study Japanese.’


1.        Japanese men will love work more than you


I’m sorry ladies, if you like a Japanese man, you’re just going to have to buck up, read that sentence above and take it.  Your man will never give up his job for you, and you will ALWAYS come in 2nd next to work.  It’s your birthday?  Your anniversary?  You’re giving birth?  Well he’s got a big meeting at the company, or maybe not, but his boss is forcing him to work overtime so it LOOKS LIKE he’s working hard--and there’s just no way he can ask for time off to, like, help you while you’re in labor.


And your Japanese man will be taken to places like hostess clubs and bars with his bosses where he will be forced to pick a woman, grope her, and take her back to the bedroom (this is true, my ex was forced to do this).  If there is a man-outing in Japan between Japanese co-workers, chances are they aren’t going to end the night with appetizers and a spritzer.  But, you know, groping ladies in a karaoke box falls under ‘company duty’ so there’s nothing he can do about it.  And you either.  So while you eat dinner alone at 11pm waiting for your husband to come home (and he’s most likely singing arashi with some 22 year old), remember that in Japan this is normal, and if you want to make the marriage work you have to deal with it.


2.       A Chinese man will always love his immediate family more than you


Chinese men tend to be extremely loyal and caring for their wife.  But the problem is actually getting to the stage where you ‘become their wife.’  I imagine 5/10 AMWF relationships end early because the parents say they don’t want their son dating a white/black/brown woman (or even a woman from another province, Chinese people are extremely racist amongst themselves). 


Shanghainese people are extremely so, and you will be hard pressed to find a Shanghainese man marry a non-Shanghainese woman (even though Shanghainese women are, in my opionion, the most unappealing woman on the face of this Earth). 


“So why didn’t you marry your ex girlfriend?” I asked my previous Shanghainese boyfriend.


“Because she wasn’t from Shanghai.”


It was so direct.  So downright in your face racist that I was in a mental state of shock for about two minutes until I finally mustered up a reply:


“But, I’m not even from this country.  How does that make me ok?”


“You’re different.”


Anyway, the point is, if the family says no the man is going to say no.  In America, we’re all about disobeying parents and ‘doin whatever we want,’ so for us to get tossed to the curb because our man has to listen to mommy and daddy—well, it’s hard for us to understand sometimes.


But let’s say that the parents are cool with it and you get married and everything is peachy.  You will still be way more involved with his family than you ever wanted.  Be prepared to even live with them at some stage, or move them into your home when they get older.  For me, this isn’t a huge problem, but for a typical western woman I imagine the thought of seeing his parents every other day and possibly moving in with them is not something they find exceptionally appealing.


But the bottom line is: The ultimate authority is his parents.  He will listen to them no matter what, even if you two are to get married.  Now, compared to a Japanese man I much prefer him to prioritize family over work, but as a foreigner that is constantly with a Chinese family—well, let’s just say it’s quite easy to feel alienated.


3.  I don't know a damn thing about Korean dudes


To be honest, I have no idea.  I imagine it’s the combo of China man and Japan man: They both highly value their family’s opinion AND they work to death.  Best of both worlds?  Maybe?


“But Mary,” you might say. “You dated a Korean guy.”


My Korean ex was the world’s most atypical Korean so I can’t include him.  He said that once we were to get married (sadly did not happen), I would become the #1 figure in his life.  Not his mother, not his kids, nope—I would be the top of his life forever and ever.


But he said in Korea, usually the families (especially sons) are very filial and they will obey the parents and put them as priority numero uno. 


I know Korean men love to shower women with gifts, but how this is a bad thing I have no idea.  It’s awesome, actually.


I hear that they also do a 360 after marriage, demanding you to become ‘stay at home housewife’ as soon as you utter the words “I do.”  But this is all snippets I hear—whether this is true or not, who knows.


But I still want to date one


I hear you sister.  But this is what you’re going to have to put up with:


-          Emotionally closed off, and in the Chinese case, emotionally stunted

-          No PDA for Japanese

-          Passive. No matter what the race, you will have to be proactive.  Kiss those days of good looking strangers passing you their number goodbye, cause you’ll be the one calling the shots with shy Asian guys

-          Language barrier.  Surprisingly, I’ve never had this problem, but it’s a major problem with most relationships

-          Finance Issues – Asian men have a concept called ‘our money’ that may not set well with western women.  Could do another post about this one

-          Indirectness.  No can mean yes, and “I think the weather is too hot to go on a picnic” means “I don’t want to fucking go on a picnic.” 

-          Cheating – I know all men have the capability of cheating, but the rate with Japanese men is considerably higher.  I have yet to meet a Japanese men that hasn’t cheated.  Seriously.  And I have a ton of Japanese acquaintances.

-          Equality – Some Asian men (especially northern Chinese, busan-type Koreans and Japanese) think that the woman should make them a bento box shaped like the taj mahal and fold their underwear every day.  Get ready to shatter this stereotype out of the water.


I’d make a ‘pros’ list, but I don’t feel like it.


Instead, I’ll just say that dating Asian men is an experience of itself.  No one is better—white or Asian—I’m sure I could make an equally nasty ‘white guy’ list that would have you cringe.  Whenever I go back to the USA and visit my friend’s and their husbands, I’m always grateful that I somehow didn’t end up with a guy that just sits on the couch all day and plays games while belching his beer in the pig sty called ‘his room.’ 


Anyway, Asian men have their benefits.  And if I could do it all again, I would.  The only real complaint I have is just the sheer amount of work it takes to reel an Asian man in, but I’m sure our white-male friends are eyeing us and saying: “see, now you know how it feels.”


They may disappear.  They may dump us because their mom said no.  They may not contact us for three weeks because they were literally working that whole time.  But there is something about them that attracts us, and we can’t give up girls.  No we can’t.

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